The Hipster’s Guide to Europe

Premier League

Chelsea have attempted to return to the swagger of seasons past. Since his departure from the club in 2007, Jose Mourinho has developed a bit of middle-age paunch and appears to be in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Gilets, ill-fitting tracksuits and ghastly raincoats were a feature during Mou’s tenure in Madrid – his clothes perhaps reflecting his tumultuous time in charge. Which Mourinho will we see this season? The suit wearing, smoldering one or the track-suited one?

Michael Laudrup. Ah. THE HAIR. AND JEANS! Football fans alike were purring at the thought of the Dane managing Swansea last season. And he didn’t disappoint. Swansea finished 9th and won a trophy – Capital One Cup – qualifying for the Europa League this season. Swansea. Europe. Laudrup. Swansea have bought well this summer. Remember Michu? Cost £2m, you know! Well, he has a new strike partner, in £12m (or 6 Michu’s) Wilfried Bony – Bony and Michu: Bony M.

Watch out for Norwich – linked with the likes of Fabio Quagliarella, Toby Alderweireld and Ola Toivonen, the East Anglian side have made some clever summer signings – Leroy Fer, Nathan Redmond, Martin Olsson, Ricky Van Wolfswinkel, Gary Hooper and err, Carlo Nash. Chris Hughton’s side could surprise us this season.

Bundesliga

1st vs 2nd. Champions League winners vs Champions League runners-up. Bayern vs Dortmund. Pep Guardiola vs Jurgen Klopp.

Jurgen Klopp is already a Hipsters wet dream of a manager. No, he’s not just a German Tony Pulis – baseball cap and tracksuit. He is much more. The glasses. He swears in press conferences. In English! When asked about the Champions League final….“so shit”.

Klopp will becoming up against stiff competition on the touchline this season – a certain Pep Guardiola. Fresh from his New York sabbatical, Pep will be bringing with him his usual sartorial elegance. Expect plenty of talk about false nines, a midfielder playing a centre-back and season ticket prices. Cheap as chips. Allegedly.

La Liga

Ten years on from the glory days of finishing 2nd in La Liga, Real Sociedad’s 4th placed finished surprised many. After ten games, they were in 17th place but just two defeats in 28 from November until the end of the season saw La Real leapfrogging usual fourth place finishers, Valencia on the final day of the season, thus qualifying for the Champions League where they will face Lyon. Coach, Philippe Montanier may have departed, but La Real have replaced him in a Barca-esque fashion, appointing assistant, 35-year-old, Jagoba Arrasate as manager.

Serie A

Napoli have splashed the cash this summer, under new manager, former-interim manager of Chelsea, Rafa Benitez. Edinson Cavani and his luscious locks have decamped to France. Benitez has taken it upon himself to sign three Real Madrid rejects: Jose Callejon, Raul Albiol and Gonzalo Higuain. After last seasons 2nd place finish, can they stop Juventus completing a hat-trick of Serie A titles? By the way, Napoli’s camouflage kit should have hipsters swooning everywhere! Look at Marek Hamsik modelling it.

The hypocrisy of Tony Pulis

“Someone has just asked me what the difference was – I said about £220m”

Those were the words of Stoke manager Tony Pulis following his side’s abject defeat to Manchester City on New Year’s Day. He continued by saying “They’ve [Manchester City] got a bit of a head start on clubs like us”. The hypocrisy of Pulis knows no bounds. He frequently moans about topical issues such as refereeing decisions and diving yet when the shoe is on the other foot and his club get the rub of the green, Pulis’ smug shit-eating post-match grin is nauseating. A prime example is in the previous fixture between Stoke and Manchester City back in September where the Potters secured a 1-1 draw – their goal coming through a handball by Peter Crouch. Asked about the decision, Pulis said he was “delighted”, “It’s lovely for us, a smaller club getting a decision against a big club”

What Tony Pulis would like us all to believe is that Stoke are this small club that have been built on a shoestring budget, which is insulting. The Potters’ starting eleven vs Manchester City cost £35m: Asmir Begovic (£3.5m), Andy Wilkinson (academy), Robert Huth (£5m), Geoff Cameron (£2.5m), Ryan Shawcross (£2m), Cameron Jerome (£4m), Jon Walters (£2.75m), Charlie Adam (£4m), Glenn Whelan (£500k), Steven N’Zonzi (£3m) and Kenwyn Jones (£8m). If you include Stoke’s bench, of which their record signing Peter Crouch (£10m) sat then the cost of the matchday 18 rises to £55m.

Naturally, the money spent does pale in comparison to that of Manchester City, but only City and Chelsea have had a higher net spend than Stoke City’s £75m over the past five seasons. Pulis’ side have spent an average of £15m per season over the last five years during their time in the Premier League. The club’s transfer record has been broke six times since 2008. Pulis may have not had the magnitude of money that City or Chelsea but he has had significantly more to spend than a lot of other managers in the Premier League.

Defeat against City was only their fourth of the season, their other three defeats have come against table toppers Manchester United, fourth placed Chelsea and Norwich. They are the only side yet to suffer home defeat in the Premier League in keeping with the cliché that the Britannia Stadium is a tough place to go. Pulis, who has never been relegated as manager nor have Stoke been ever sucked into a relegation battle have finished 12^th, 11^th, 13^th and 14^th respectively with points totals of 45, 46, 47, 45 over the last four season. Steady progress? Hardly. Yes, Stoke have reached an FA Cup final and played in Europe over the past two season but for Pulis to suggest that the reason for defeat to Manchester City comes down to money is belittling to footballer watchers out there. His side showed no ambition and didn’t register their first shot on target until near the hour mark.

Even on Wednesday, as Ryan Shawcross signed a new long term deal, Pulis was quoted as saying: “We’re not going to do what Manchester City have done, we’re not going to do a Chelsea,” What, spend money? “we have to build gradually and steadily, and that’s what we’ve done over the last five years.” Perhaps, Tony. But you’ve done it by spending a significant amount of money. The players didn’t just arrive at Stoke.

This might seem like a rant against Tony Pulis and in some respects it is. But it is Pulis’ small time mentality that has irritated me the most. Stoke are by no means a ‘small club’, they attract near enough to 27,000 for the vast majority of their Premier League home games. Pulis has had money to spend, his side wasn’t build on small change scrimped together from down the back of a sofa. Questions can certainly be raised as to whether the money has been spent wisely enough. Should Stoke be getting more bang for their buck?

Baggies flying high under Clarke

Having navigated the final international break of 2012, the Premier League returns as we kick on towards the last weeks of the year. Already the league is beginning to take shape – the two Manchester clubs occupy the top two places, while Chelsea are just one point behind City in third. It is the team that occupy fifth place that is the most surprising.

West Brom have made their best start to a season for 30 years, under their third manager in three seasons, with Steve Clarke picking up where Roy Hodgson left off after last season’s 10th place finish. Clarke, to many was seen as an unknown quantity having never previously filled the role of manager. However, what he does bring to the table is 10 years experience as a coach and assistant manager having worked with the likes of Jose Mourinho, Gianfranco Zola and more recently Kenny Dalglish.

‘Boing-boing’ were words associated with the Baggies a few seasons ago because of their reputation as a yo-yo team bouncing from the Championship to the Premier League. Now, West Brom are certainly the model club in terms of structure. Clarke, like Hodgson before him, works under the title of ‘Head Coach’.

After chairman Jeremy Peace, the main man at the Hawthorns is the outgoing Dan Ashworth, their Director of Football, a position which is much maligned in England, due to some high profile failings. However, the Baggies are an example of a club that implements the model to a great degree of success.

Unfortunately, after five years in the position – just as his hard work is finally bearing fruit – Ashworth is due to take up the role of the FA’s new Director of Elite Development next summer. Although it has been reported that he is keen to take up the position as soon as the New Year but has been charged with finding his own successor before departing the club.

Operating on the second lowest wage bill in the top flight, the Baggies are a further example of a club following another much maligned philosophy as of late, the Moneyball strategy. Mainstay players such as Peter Odemwingie, Jonas Olsson, Youssouf Mulumbu, Graham Dorrans, Jerome Thomas and Steven Reid were all signed for small fees (or in some cases no fees at all). This summer, there was the story of Ashworth of traveling to Argentina where he climbed over a fence in Buenos Aires to watch Claudio Yacob train before subsequently signing him on a free transfer.

After 11 games, the Baggies find themselves fifth (halfway to the fabled 40 point barrier) but Albion will have their sights set on breaking into the top 10 this season rather than even contemplating relegation. Six wins those opening 11 games, five of which have come at home, West Brom beat Liverpool 3-0 in impressive fashion on the opening day of the season – the Baggies dud suffer a blip recently after an impressive start, back-to-back defeats against Manchester City and Newcastle were followed up with consecutive wins against Southampton and Wigan.

Clarke hasn’t been afraid to rotate his squad, with just three players starting all 11 games this season – Mulumbu, Olsson and Gareth McAuley. In the attacking third, the Scot has seen his strikers share the burden of goalscoring, Romelu Lukaku, Shane Long and Peter Odemwingie have contributed three goals apiece this season, while midfielder James Morrison has also scored three goals. One stat that sticks out about the Baggies is the fact that only Stoke and Reading have had less possession in the Premier League (43.1%).

Another of Clarke’s former clubs are the visitors to the Hawthorns this weekend, European Champions, Chelsea. West Brom beat Chelsea last season which proved fatal for Andre Villas-Boas. Roberto Di Matteo also makes are return to a former club, one which he led into the Premier League. Clarke and the Baggies are flying high, it is a question of can they keep it that way?